Understanding Optional. Presence Required.

Written By Shannon Patterson

A few years ago, I participated in a weekly listening practice that completely shifted my perspective. Initially, I approached listening through the lens of Steven Covey's principle: "Seek first to understand, then to be understood." I believed my job was to grasp context, details, and the why behind someone's words.

Then I heard something revolutionary:

Understanding isn't required. Presence is.

This blew my mind. 

I was convinced that understanding is absolutely required. How could I add value without understanding? Yet I discovered my very efforts to understand—those well-intentioned clarifying questions—were actually preventing meaningful connection. I was centering myself. My questions served me, not them. 

Our clarifying questions often derail people. They are trying to follow their own thought process, when, suddenly, they are redirected to satisfy our need for clarity. People often feel missed. As in, “Hey, I am trying to share something with you and now it’s become my job to make it make sense to you. Could you just listen to me first, please?” 

As it turns out, I don’t really need to understand. What truly mattered and made the difference was that I listened, deeply. To what they were saying and not saying. To how their energy ebbed and flowed. To their body language. To their pace. To the feelings I sensed. To the longings and needs present but unspoken. To beliefs and hopes and ideas wanting to be supported. To what was at the heart of things and deeply mattered to them. 

I know some of you will say, “But that is all about understanding!” Yes, it is. But it’s an understanding that comes through being not doing.

What also really mattered was reflecting back what I heard. This is also an essential part of listening. And I am not talking about active listening. More on this later.

First, let’s do some more exploring about letting go of needing to understand and what we might do instead.   

The Problem With Needing to Understand

I am now convinced that our fixation on understanding actually gets in the way of listening, empathy, and connection. Our need to understand even gets in the way of understanding! I speak from first-hand experience and from witnessing this in dozens of practice sessions in the manager trainings I’ve led.

When we fixate on understanding, we:

  • Analyze rather than listen, moving from our hearts to our heads, making us significantly less present

  • Resist or reject what doesn't immediately make sense, which is essentially resisting and rejecting the other person

  • Filter others' experiences through our own lens, moving from listening to thinking about what we or they can do 

  • Jump to solutions before fully hearing their experience, before their words, feelings, concerns, ideas or hopes have even fully landed in our hearts

Understanding Through Being Not Doing.

Just be present and listen with curiosity and caring. For, say, 3 minutes. Just. Three. Minutes. I lead workshops that teach generative listening and you would not believe what happens when someone has 3 minutes to speak uninterrupted. 

In my workshops, participants have remarkable revelations during this time:

“Wow, I didn’t know I was thinking that. It was so great to just follow my thought stream all the way to the end.”

“When I ran out of things to say, it was awkward but it was in that silence that I realized what was really going on for me.”

“It felt really good to not have to rush through my thoughts. To know I wouldn’t be interrupted. I need to think out loud and the first thing I say isn’t the thing that matters so it was a relief to feel the pressure of having to be clear right away.”

Yep, just sitting there, being present, doing “nothing” for 3 minutes made these revelatory experiences possible. Talk about generative listening!

Give it a try in some of your meetings. To clarify, you don’t have to sit there like a statue. Nod. Smile. Jot down the things you want to circle back to but don’t interrupt. Listeners in my generative listening workshops often remark with surprise that it turns out there is no need to circle back to those things. It turned out they weren’t important after all or they became clear along the way.

When the person pauses say, “There’s a lot happening here. I want to give you a moment to see if there is anything else that comes to mind.”

You might be thinking, “I don’t have time to do this”. But consider the cost of not making time:

  • Broken trust and disengagement when people feel dismissed

  • Ineffective actions based on incomplete understanding

  • False consensus that masks unexplored concerns, resulting in a lack of commitment

Do you have time for that? 

We’re back to understanding optional, presence required. These are the situations we create when we jump into action, assuming we understand.

Letting go of the need to understand has:

  • Made me a better listener—because I’m no longer listening to respond, I’m listening to witness.

  • Deepened my relationships—because people feel heard, not “figured out.”

  • Helped me navigate difficult conversations—because I don’t need to understand or agree to stay present. I can trust that the pathway to understanding will be revealed through my deep listening.

And, ironically? Letting go of understanding has actually helped me understand more and better. Because when people feel truly heard, they open up in ways they never would if they felt judged or rushed.

For me, this shift was transformational and people in the trainings and workshops I’ve led report the same. 

What This Means For Leadership

This shift isn’t just personal—it has huge implications for leadership.

When an employee is struggling…

Instead of: “I need to understand why this is happening.”
Try: “I hear that this has been really difficult for you. Tell me more.”

When giving feedback…

Instead of: “I don’t get why this didn’t get done.”
Try: “I noticed the deadline was missed. What was going on?”

When navigating disagreement…

Instead of: “That doesn’t make sense to me.”
Try: “I hear that this is important to you. Can you tell me more about what you need?”

Because leadership isn’t about having the answers. It’s about being present. 

And your Gen Z employees really aren’t willing to work without it. 

A Challenge For You

This week, try:

  1. Having a conversation where you intentionally let go of needing to “get it.”

  2. Instead of analyzing, just follow along.

  3. Reflecting back what you notice—their words, their energy, what seems important.

I think you’ll find that understanding is optional. But presence? That’s everything.

Resources for Further Exploration:

Shannon Patterson
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